Ponytail Possibilities: the Top 5 Movies that Should’ve Starred Steven Seagal

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Look, it’s a well-known fact that every single Steven Seagal movie ever made is undeniably awesome. They may not be entertaining for all the right reasons, like being well acted, plot driven and/or boasting complex symbolism, but the fact of the matter is, they’re still fun as all hell.

So the question remains, why isn’t Steven Seagal in more movies? If one acknowledges that the Aikido master is also a master of entertaining (even if, perhaps, it is unintentional), then one must also admit that there are some classic movies out there that would have been better served with the added presence of the one and only, Mr. Steven Seagal.

5 “œGhostbusters II”(1989)

Take one look at the painting of “œVigo the Carpathian”in “œGhostbusters II,”and try to say with a straight face that Steven Seagal wasn’t born to play that part. It’s impossible! Just imagine that the massive, daunting portrait that Sigourney Weaver is working alongside in the museum is that of America’s greatest action hero. It’s too perfect. Seagal can look lifeless and steal a baby with the best of them. It should’ve been you, Steven. It should’ve been you.

4 “œThe King’s Speech”(2010)

Sorry, but why exactly are we supposed to feel so bad for a king who has a little trouble speaking? He’s still the freaking king, so things are going pretty okay for the guy. It may have won the Academy Award for Best Picture, but “œThe King’s Speech”was seriously lacking in appeal. Replacing Colin Firth with Seagal, however, could have given that film the strong male lead it needed. Plus, the story wouldn’t have had to change much. Just change the king’s speech impediment from a stutter to the inability to speak above an intimidating whisper, and you’ve essentially got the same movie, with a real badass at the helm.

3 “œIndependence Day”(1996)

“œIndependence Day“was a record-breaking blockbuster that made hundreds of millions worldwide and seemingly did everything right. Well, everything except President Bill Pullman. Come on! That dude was so milquetoast boring he almost dragged the entire film down with him. But Steven Seagal, now that’s a president the people really want to see. Seagal offers the same in squinty facial expressions that Pullman brings to the table, but on top of that he offers martial arts expertise and the opportunity to see a man in a kimono in the Oval Office. Plus, don’t act for a second like you wouldn’t have absolutely loved to see him spin-kick an alien in its giant alien head.

2 “œWar Horse”(2011)

Sure, it got some Oscar nominations, but let’s be honest, “œWar Horse”could have been a hell of a lot better. One vast improvement could have been made by acknowledging the film’s biggest problem: It’s all about a horse. BORING! But what if you let a man play the part of the horse? Now we’re talking innovative movie-making! And who better to play a bulky, yet majestic, animal than Steven Seagal? Just picture him striding gloriously into battle, his ponytail flapping in the wind. Is that not Oscar-worthy? Plus they wouldn’t have needed any stunt doubles, since Seagal can actually maintain a sprint with a saddle and full-grown man on his back.

1 “œThe Karate Kid”(1984)

Come on, it’s right there in the title. By law, if a movie has the word karate in its title, Steven Seagal should be cast in at least a small speaking part. Now, this isn’t to say that Seagal should have replaced a major character like, say, Mr. Miyagi (although it would’ve probably been funny as hell to see his undoubtedly racist attempt at a Japanese accent), but why not make him the leader of the Cobra Kai? If the casting director was looking for an entitled white guy to lead a bunch of junior douche bags in their martial arts training, it seems like there is literally no choice more logical than Steven Seagal.

TK Kelly is a comic and writer who has performed at clubs across the country like the Comedy Store, the Improv, Gotham, and Standup NY. He has also written for Tosh.0, Comedy Central Studios, Funny or Die, Recycled Babies Sketch Comedy, and Second City. His standup comedy has been described as “a thing that happens sometimes,” and according to one of his grandmothers, he is a generally delightful young man. If he were forced at gunpoint to describe himself in one word, that would be a really weird hostage situation.

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